Looking in the mirror each and every morning getting ready for work, school, or whatever it maybe. Brushing your teeth to doing your hair looking at yourself seeing all these words your mind puts on your body in big bold letters
Piece of shit on this world
Never good enough
And the list can go on and on for days filling up your whole body with all these hateful words that your body and mind has put on you through out the years. Then that smile that you first had one your face before you got in the bathroom disappears. Then you have to fake how you feel the rest of the day living the “happy” life when deep down all you want to go home and crawl back in bed and have the world pass you by.
You leave the house to get your day started and get to work with that fake smile. Trying to struggle the happiness to get you through the day of work when deep down all you want to do is break down in the corner of the office and cry.
Honestly living with depression really sucks, and people think it’s easy to let it pass and oh it will just ” go away” but in reality it won’t. It takes hours or even days for these feelings to go away. Because in the end it feels like you are never going to be good enough for anyone in the world. You always feel like people are judging you and all eyes are on you. When in reality you just want to go home in a dark room and cry all your feelings out. Wondering if that cute guy at the store was really checking you out or judging you on how you look. If you were too fat or not pretty enough for him.
This is where the next section of my depression really comes in affect is with society now a days. They have you believing if you are a plus size girl you are considered “ugly” and not good enough for anyone because you aren’t a size 0-5. You have a little tummy on your or thick thighs and society is all like that’s gross you need to lose weight or you need to go home and hide because your ugly. You try to fight that but in reality you are who you are. You could be a bigger girl or other issues and since you aren’t perfect in today’s society your not worth the time and day. And that’s where my depression comes in the most because in the back of my head when I’m attempting to flirt with my crush in the back of my head what’s running through there is …..
Am I pretty enough for him
Am I too fat
What if I’m making a fool out of myself
What if he’s too good for me
Those are some of the major questions that I constantly have going through my head.
In the past I had an ex that would always say that I would never find anyone better than him. And yet I still have yet to find anyone since him because he’s the one who messed me up the most saying that I’m not good enough for anyone else and he’s the only one that will ever love me. He always shot me down and that’s where my depression came in the most to the point I didn’t want to leave him because I was scared of not finding anyone better. But in the end after our break up I did feel relieved after that but in the end I still feel like he’s right that I won’t find anyone better than him, and this is where my depression gets the best of me.
People think depression can just go away in a few minutes but in honest it doesn’t you think It goes away but in reality I’m faking it hardcore to make you stop asking if I’m going to be ok or anything. It’s not easy talking about your depression to anyone because you feel like they’re judging you. You think that society is judging you and if you go to your friends and family then you get the big red flag flashing when you even bring up the word depression to anyone that you know. You would think it’s easy to get help from someone that knows what they’re doing but it’s honestly hard worrying if your insurance is going to cover it, or if you need to go to rehab, or if you need to be put on medication. It’s really not that easy living with depression. They tell you to write down your feelings and you do but when you go back and read past entries all those feelings that you have just fade into one big blob of nothingness. That’s what depression feels like. Feels like your nothing to anyone in the world.
Am I nothing to anyone? Or something to someone?
Alright until next time
Sorry this is a whole lot of jumping around but it feels good to let people know briefly what it’s like living with depression.