Depression

de·pres·sion
dəˈpreSH(ə)n/
noun
1.
  1. feelings of severe despondency and dejection.
    “self-doubt creeps in and that swiftly turns to depression”
    2.
    a long and severe recession in an economy or market.
    “the depression in the housing market”

What’s my meaning of depression if you are wondering? Well my meaning is nothing like what the dictionary said.

Megan’s Meaning of Depression:

The meaning of feeling alone and useless in the world. The meaning where no one has your back when you need them the most. Also the meaning of not being wanted anymore. The feeling of being lost in the world or not even existing at all…

That’s my meaning of the word depression, and before you go all Megan what are you doing? Why are you writing all this. NO I’m NOT trying to do the whole 13 reasons why thing. It’s just I have to write down my feelings somehow, and you can choose to keep reading or closing out and going to a different blog.

What started this feeling of being alone and useless in the world? Well it goes as far back as my high school years you can say. Always being bullied by the popular kids, getting picked on, sat on, pretty much just a person living in the shadows. You think that popular person saying hi to you in the halls just to make your day but in the back of your head you are thinking are they truly being nice or are they just saying it to hold up their popularity status? Your trying your hardest to get through the worst four years of your life getting picked on, made fun of because of your looks wether your chubby or not or you have pimples or the list can go on, to being one of the smartest people in the school. People will always pick on you no matter what, and yes I went through that the whole four years of my life, and as I graduated high school I thought it would get better, but it doesn’t

Which brings us a few years later when I try to get into the dating world. Yes my track record for dating isn’t the greatest because all the guys i’ve ever met are complete tool bags. Let’s just say they all suck! Meeting up and leading me on to the point I think i’m actually going to get a relationship with this guy, but in the end they just tear me down to the point where I feel worthless. The excuse I get? I’m not ready for a relationship, It’s not you it’s me, Or my all time favorite that wins the cake. “You are too ugly or fat for my liking.” I’m just tired of always being a let down in everyones eyes. Which brings me to my final section of this blog

Being a big let down in my friends and families eyes. Even though you all don’t say I’m the let down but some of you I’m not going to mention names always try to compare me to my brother or vice versa. Yes he went to an away school after high school, but when I wanted to go to an out of state school you flat out told me no. You told me I had to go to community college or stay in the state. Why does he get the special treatment? Look I’m sorry for being a big negative Nancy in your life, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being a let down in your eyes and not going places. Lastly friend wise whether it’s at work or out of work friends. I just feel like I’m a disappointment to you as well, and always have the fear of always being talked to behind my back and not wanting to be around me anymore. Am I really that bad of a friend? or Daughter/Sister?

Honestly is it even worth being around people anymore knowing in the back of your mind your playing all these scenarios of which is worse? Where do I go from here? Do I keep playing this game and acting like I’m ok? Or do I go and get help for it?

 

Megan S.

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